


The Wonder of Purple Summer

by wendlaswound



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, idk what else lol, suicide warning, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-09-26 18:38:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9915779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendlaswound/pseuds/wendlaswound
Summary: They were together, and that was the most important part.Because they had always been alone.But now that Connor had found Evan, and Evan had found Connor, that was all behind them.





	1. Blue Wind

**Author's Note:**

> This had so many WIP titles, which included: There's Things I Wish I Knew, How Could I Ever Forget, Michaela Likes Writing Angst Too Much, etc. But The Song of Purple Summer from Spring Awakening fit too well, so...  
> Speaking of which, playlist at the bottom.  
> This fic was a tumblr request (follow me @ revolutionarywarlock) and the "style" of it that won was starts out really happy, ends with a lot of angst. so there ya go.

Connor didn’t want to believe that his salvation had been _right_ there his whole life. It was too easy, too painful of a realization.

            Well, _practically_ his whole life, anyway. He’d just been too stupid to see it. Too careless to care. If he had known then what he knew now… _god._

            He also _couldn’t_ believe that his salvation was a stuttering, smart, scared, stupid, shy, lovely boy. He hadn’t known. He hadn’t seen the possibility. And who would have? They were such an unlikely pairing.

            But they were more than human when they were together. They were _air_ , they were _light,_ they were fear in the best way and laughter in the worst. They were everything they never had. They were together, and that was the most important part.

            Because they had always been alone.

            But now that Connor had found Evan, and Evan had found Connor, that was all behind them.

* * *

 

            “I still can’t believe you had a crush on my sister,” Connor laughed and covered his face with his hands as he did so, warming his cold cheeks. Despite the steady fire they had been tending too, the night was still bitter, but warm all the same. But that wasn’t really because of the weather.

            Evan blushed. Connor didn’t think that was because of the wind chill, either. “You need to get over that. _I_ did,” Evan retorted shyly. It had been a touchy subject since Evan first brought it up, which was only recently. Connor was still a bit awed, a bit unsure of what to think of it, but he settled on laughing about it. He only wished Evan would laugh too.

            That was Connor’s day to day, hour to hour goal: make Evan smile.

            It kept him going. It kept him smiling, too.

            No one had ever really enjoyed Connor’s presence before. It was always pity smiles, please-get-away-from-me flinches, less than genuine attempts at conversation. Connor had started to get sick of himself, too.

            But Evan. After their first few initial disasters, they suddenly warmed to each other, clicked in the best, most inexplicable way. It had only been a few months of this, but it had been a reprieve from each day being failure after misery after frustration for the majority of his life before.

            That’s what it was.

            Before.

            Evan never pushed Connor away, no matter how much he screwed up. And he screwed up often, had screwed up royally many times, habitual memories that plagued his mind. But Evan was always there to save him with his smile, his lovely, calming, welcoming smile.

            Connor had never been used to people smiling at him, or him smiling back. His face was honestly starting to hurt, just a bit.

            “Aw c’mon,” Connor scooted closer to Evan, lightly tapping his arm. “I’m not mad or anything, I just think it’s a bit funny… you know, the way things worked out,” Connor grinned. He nudged Evan again, and a smile bloomed on the other boys face too.

            Mission accomplished.

            Evan laughed, just a little huff. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

            “Who would have thought it would be you and me, instead of you and her.”

            “Yeah…”

            And then Connor really wanted to kiss Evan. Really bad. Right on his mouth.

            But he wouldn’t do that. They’d come so far, they could wait to go any farther.

            They’d both been through enough.

            But Connor couldn’t deny his feelings, ones he’d never known existed inside of him before.

            Maybe once he’d found someone that wasn’t repulsed by him, by his messy, messy brain, he’d stopped being repulsed by people too.

            “Speaking of which,” Evan said, snapping Connor out of his fantasies. “How is Zoe? Isn’t she at that music conservatory thing?”

            Connor settled back, leaning against Evan just slightly, and then a bit more when didn’t give way one bit.

God, it was a good feeling.

“Yeah, she’s great. Being a prodigy and all, I’m sure. I don’t really know, though. They’re not allowed to have their phones while they’re there.”

            “Ah, that’s why she’s been on radio silence. When will she be home?”

            “Next Saturday? I don’t really know.”

            Evan snorted. “You are so attentive.”

            “Hey! I have other things on my mind.”

            “Of course you do,” Evan smiled, and leaned into Connor, just a bit.

            It was starting off to be quite a good camping trip.

            And Connor hadn’t even been camping before, and couldn’t say he loved feeling the prickly grass on his neck, the dirt that somehow got _everywhere_ , having to hike a mile to the outhouse, the lack of a good cell signal.

            But lying on his back, still cold in a bundle of blankets, next to his best friend, gazing up at the stars as Evan told him the story of each constellation, he wondered if this was what it was like to be in love with the world.

            Even then, the stars had nothing on Evan’s smile. _Nothing._

            The morning was cold, colder than the night because of the fresh sting in the air, the shock of the day. But Evan was beside him, their arms splayed across each other.

            So everything was okay.

* * *

    “I can’t believe you’ve never been camping before. What kind of childhood did you have?” Evan asked him teasingly as they crowded in their tent, against the rain, picking at their rations with light laziness.

            Connor laughed, attempting to toss

 a berry into his mouth and missing horribly. Evan laughed again, and Connor smiled, sitting up. “I never realized how deprived I’d been. How could I have never been exposed to this… uh… _enlightening_ experience?”

            “Oh, c’mon. It’s not that bad.”

            “No, it’s not. I’m just being whiny. Ignore me.” Connor settled back against the wall of the tent, huddling over his knees when it brought him no support.

            Evan leaned against him, and Connor had to steady himself before he jumped away in shock. _Connor_ had always been the initiator. Never Evan, though he never refused, or backed away. But this was new, and Connor didn’t mind. Of course he didn’t.

            “I haven’t camped for a while, either. This is a new experience for me too,” his voice softened. “And I’m not going to ignore you. I thought we had a deal going.”

            “Hm?”

            Evan looked at him like he was being stupid, which he probably was. “We had a deal. Nothing goes unsaid. Nothing goes ignored. We put up with that enough.”

            Now Connor remembered. It was one of their first agreements, their first discussions. One of the timid ones, before they’d gotten comfortable with each other, before saying each other’s name was as easy as their own. They had both recognized the potential that _they_ had. It was to break the ice, and agreement that no awkwardness would be tolerated because there would be no awkwardness. Funnily enough, Connor had been the one to propose it. How he could forget, he didn’t know.

            Connor rubbed his face. “Right, yeah. I remember now, sorry.”

            Evan chuckled lightly. “It’s okay. We all forget things sometimes.”

            Connor looked at Evan, smiling softly and playing with the cuffs of his jeans. Connor felt his face lighten, his soul sink a little further into his body. “Yeah, we do.”

* * *

 

            Connor couldn’t believe what he’d just done.

            He’d just kissed Evan Hansen.

            His best friend.

            They were _kissing_.

            And Evan had kissed him _back_. Though he really didn’t have too. Connor had had a little trouble enjoying the moment while he was worrying that Evan would pull away. He’d never thought his affection would be returned. Not like that. Not in a way that made his insides stir and his head buzz and his body no longer a body but a star only seconds away from a supernova.

            Now Evan has gone back inside his house, and Connor was on his way to his car, and he was thoroughly unable to shake the stupid grin off his face.

            Why would he ever stop smiling? His lips had just been touched by Evan Hansen.

            No, he would never.

* * *

 

            School started again tomorrow.

            Neither of them were ready, which is why Connor was up at 2:43 a.m., staring at his phone.

            **_You:_** Awake still?

            **_Tree Boy:_** Sadly

            **_You:_** This is not going to be a good day, is it

            **_Tree Boy:_** It will definitely be worse if we don’t sleep

            **_You:_** Yeah

            **_You:_** …

            **_Tree Boy_** : …

            **_You_** : Sleep is for schmucks

            **_Tree Boy_** : Who needs sleep? Not I

            **_You_** : *laugh emoji*

            **_You_** : I hate what I’m feeling right now

            **_Tree Boy_** : And what would that be

            **_You_** : Like everythings ending, but it should be over already. Who decided four years of high school was a good idea? Haven’t I suffered long enough?

            **_Tree Boy_** : Indeed, the institution sucks

            **_Tree Boy_** : But like you said, one more year. And then it will all be over. All be different.

            **_You_** : Yeah, I guess. But can I really make it one more year?

            **_Tree Boy_** : If I can, you can

            **_You_** : Is this a deal?

            **_Tree Boy_** : It’s a deal

            **_You_** : Okay. We’ll stick it out together

            **_Tree Boy_** : Indeed. Always.

            **_You_** : Well, I guess we should try to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow

            **_Tree Boy_** : See you tomorrow *heart emoji*

            **_You_** : Good night, love

            **_Tree Boy_** : Goodnight.

* * *

 

            They survived the first day of school.

            Connor couldn’t necessarily say that for the rest.

            Connor had never done very well in school, never enjoyed it, never learned much from it that he couldn’t learn from reading other, more comprehensible books that didn’t make him fall asleep halfway through an hour of droning speeches and the screech of dry erase markers. But Evan was completely different at school.

            Of course, this probably what he had always been like at school. Connor just hadn’t been around to notice.

            And now, Connor could seem to do very little to help.

            Evan had always been reserved, but when he was thrown into eight hours of being around people who had not a care for him, and ideas and thing and people that he didn’t care for, it drained him. He may have seemed shy, a shell of himself, but that wouldn’t be telling it quite as it is.

            He was _no one_.

            Once Connor realized this, he understood more of why he’d never really noticed Evan before. There was very little to notice.

            Despite this, Evan did fantastic in school. Connor often asked him for help, if he could read Evan’s latest essay, if he wanted to come over for a study session on Saturday.

            And Evan seemed more… normal in these times. Sometimes. But he was never the same. The last glimpse of the Evan that Connor had grown into close friends with was during their, most likely divinely intervened, five day Thanksgiving break. Evan and Heidi came over to dinner, and it was probably one of the best days they’d had together in months. Evan was smiling, laughing, and he had the _brightness_ that only he had, the one Connor had missed for months. Connor had no words to express to Evan how _peaceful_ seeing him like this made him feel. So, when he and Evan went up to his room after dinner, when the adults were watching some gameshow or the news or something, he kissed Evan lightly, happily.

            No words were needed for that.

            Evan was still more muted than what Connor remember him as from the summer, _their_ summer. And it frightened him. It really did. He knew both Evan and him struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, all those lovely plagues and demons. But Connor could hold on if Evan did. That was their deal.

            So Connor held Evan’s hand tightly and they sat in silence, for the most part. Being together was enough.

            Connor only let go when Evan and his mom had to leave. He wanted to kiss Evan goodbye, so very bad, and the shadow of sadness in Evan’s eyes only made him want to do it even more. But neither of their parents knew about them together, so he didn’t, settling for their salute/handshake they’d made up in July.

            Evan returned it, halfheartedly, as if he was so tired he could barely manage to move his body. Connor watched him walk slowly down the Murphys driveway to their car, and drive away.

* * *

 

            The last night of their break, Connor set himself onto going to bed early. Ten thirty was the best he could manage.

            Before he turned off his lights, he sent Evan two quick messages.

            **_You:_** I’m here for you to hold onto. We’re in this together. We’ve got a deal, love. I care about you more than anything. I’ll see you tomorrow, and don’t set yourself up to worry. It will be okay. Maybe not great. Maybe not bad. But we can live with okay.

            **_You:_** I love you. Goodnight.

            Evan didn’t respond for a half an hour, and Connor, unwillingly, fell asleep, his phone in his hands, not making a sound the whole night.

* * *

 

            Connor’s suit was too small.

            He figured if he focused his mind on that, his discomfort, everything else would pale and not be as potent in his mind.

            It didn’t work.

            With so many people dressed in black, like him, so many tears, some phony, some forced, some neither, with the smell of chicken noodle soup, hospitals, and death, with the silence save the dreary orchestral music, Connor had many reasons to cry.

            Somehow he’d made it through the service, mostly by tuning everything out. He’d focused on the space of skin between the cuff of his jacket and his wrist, examining every freckle, fold, line, hair, curve. No sermons or sobs were heard by Connor. Not until afterwards anyway.

            He hadn’t even looked when everyone had to walk by the casket. Nope. He’d let his eyes cross, their focus just above the box and at nothing. He wouldn’t look.

            Right after they’d finished the procession he’d left his family, tears still dripping down their faces, onto their Sunday finery. Connor walked away, stalked across the cemetery and back to the funeral home, ignore everyone’s glances.

            The first closet he came across he locked himself in and cried.

            There were few people left in the building, so he spared nothing in how loud he was, how messily he let the tears come, how roughly he pulled at his own hair while he hyperventilated.

            How could this happen? They’d had a deal. _They. Had. A. Deal._ One Connor hadn’t really expected how badly they’d need, how badly it would fall apart. Maybe he’d broken it, and that’s why Evan did too. Maybe it really was Connor’s fault. Maybe that was why Evan had never responded to him, not because he’d already been dead, not like everyone had been telling him when he had the audacity to murmur his theory out loud, but because Evan had been mad at him. Ignoring him, purposefully. Connor wondered if Evan killed himself to make a point. To make sure that Connor knew he was a shitty person.

            Connor growled through his sobs, a horrendous noise, scolding himself for being so stupid, so self-centered. How could he think that? His best friend – only friend, was dead. _How could he be thinking about himself?_ What kind of person –

            And suddenly everything left him, as if it had been sucked out by a vacuum. He sobs ceased immediately, leaving him shaking and his hands and face wet with tears. His mind was blank, the heat retreating from his cheeks.

            He hadn’t felt such striking calm in a long time. Not since summer.

            Connor curled up, hugging his knees against his chest, tucking his head between them.

            _How did Evan expect him to go on now?_

            They had a deal.

            Or had they? Did it ever really mean anything? Was it ever really _for_ something? Like Connor had forgotten their first deal, did Evan forget this one?

            How was Connor supposed to go on?

            He really didn’t know, but he started by taking deep breaths, calming his racking body until he was nearly asleep. After letting the stillness settle over him, he slowly got to his feet, and after several more moments, he opened the door and closed it in one swift movement. There were now a few people back in the lobby, but none noticed Connor.

            He took one last look around, and calmly walked outside, back to where everyone had gathered, hugging each other, wiping away their tears. He soon found his parents and Zoe by Heidi, both parties doing their best to keep each other from crying any longer. They were not wildly successful.

            Connor paid them little mind, and immediately hugged his sister, standing by her with an arm around her side while their parents talked. She paused for a moment, but hugged him back, even holding him firmly against her with an arm around his back as they waited to leave.

            Connor really didn’t know what he was going to do.

            But he was there to do it, whatever it was.

            And he _could_ do it, too.

            And he made a new deal, a new promise to himself, to Evan.

            He didn’t know how he would go on, but he was there, he was still going, even as he didn’t move, didn’t speak, as the seconds flitted by. And he would. That much he knew.

            And that was all he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:  
> Intertwined / dodie  
> The Moon Song / Karen O  
> How Could I Ever Forget / Next To Normal  
> The Umbrellas of Cherbourg / John Williams  
> I Never Planned On You / Newsies  
> First Breath After a Coma / Explosions in the Sky  
> A Soft Place to Land / Waitress  
> Those You’ve Known / Spring Awakening  
> Sick of Losing Soulmates / dodie  
> The Song of Purple Summer / Spring Awakening


	2. Purple Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's still grieving, and so is Zoe. They have a heart to heart. This was a spur of the moment decision I apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this all today. Forgive me. I had the energy and motivation to write this, so here we are. Whoops. Not as heavy as I would have liked it, but I wrote something. Yay.  
> Playlist at the bottom

The week after the funeral Connor slept like he hadn’t for years. His parents had let him stay home from school, not like he would have gone anyway. The stacks of books and assignments, untouched on his desk, were the price he was paying. Several times he had tried to make himself focus, to work on something, but his eyes blurred, his arms ached, and he fell asleep three pages into his English novel, despite it being one of his favorites.

            He knew he was depressed. That’s what depression did. When it worked, you didn’t.

            Still, he couldn’t bring himself to bring it up. His parents were still grief stricken over Evan. He didn’t want to give them any worries about him as well, especially since they’d assume the worst as soon as he opened his mouth.

            Even if the worst might be true.

            But Connor was trying. He really was, even if he wasn’t… _doing_ anything. He wasn’t going to do drugs, he was going to try in school, he was going to spend time with his family, he was going to be nicer to people even if they weren’t nice to him. He was going to be better.

            He just needed some… time. Some breathing room. Some space for trial and error.

            Sleeping so much helped Connor forget that Evan wasn’t there anymore. The only trouble was when Connor dreamt and he woke up and wanted to tell Evan about it, tell him all the stories that lurked in his mind when he was resting, the ones that evaded him when he was awake.

            But of course, there was nothing.

            Thankfully, his parents largely left him alone. They were working most of the time, anyway. But they didn’t try to get in his space, didn’t try to get him to talk about it all. Not like he’d tell them anything, anyway. It was too late for them to try to listen now.

            Zoe went to school. She was still sad, though. She hardly talked. She smiled at him but never said a word, never came into his room.

            Sometimes he thought he heard her crying, but then he realized that it was just her guitar.

            Connor hadn’t cried since the funeral. He’d been too tired.

            Besides. He didn’t have time for tears anymore. It’s not what Evan would have wanted.

 

* * *

 

 

            And all of _this_ wasn’t what Evan would have wanted, either. Connor snarled as he scrolled through Facebook. All these sappy professions of grief. All of them phony. None of these people knew Evan. A lot of them Connor didn’t even know. It was ridiculous.

            Connor knew Jared and Alana had set up the page with good intentions, but it made Connor sick. He was disgusted with all these people claiming friendship, faking concern, after Evan had died. It was too late, now. No use pretending to care about someone after they were gone. It was only self-pity, then. It was only bullshit.

            Connor slammed his laptop shut before he could reply to some of the posts, before he could tell the “grievers” to fuck off and go play their pity card somewhere else. He rubbed his face and sighed. He never wanted to go back to school. Maybe he could finish the rest of the year from home. He’d probably do better, anyway. No one else around to distract him or piss him off. Yeah, that was a good plan. But now he’d have to convince his parents.

            He snorted at the thought.

            Zoe tapped at his door while cracking it open slightly. Connor glanced at her, puzzled, the glanced at the clock. It was already five, Friday evening, and he hadn’t noticed.

            Another day, lost in his thoughts.

            “Hey,” she said shyly with a small smile. “Can I come in?”

            Connor was too baffled to refuse. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

            She settled in on the edge of his bed quietly. He watched her the whole time. It had probably been years since Zoe was in his room. _Years_. He felt pained, guilty, with that realization, a stinging deep in his chest.

            “So,” she started after glancing around. The awkwardness was deafening. “What have you been up to?”

            Connor shrugged. “Schoolwork. Sleeping.”

            “Are you planning on going back on Monday?”

            “Um, well, I don’t really want to. But, I mean, I can’t stay away forever,” he confessed bitterly.

            Zoe nodded and settled closer to him, seeming to tire of the small talk already.

            Connor already knew what she was going to say. He’d already started leaning away, even though she’d come closer to him. He let her talk though, let her think he was okay. This was the deal.

            “Look… I know you really probably don’t want to talk about it or anything. It’s been hard on all of us, but you most especially, I think. And I just want to know… were you and Evan really together?”

            “Wait, what?”

            “Heidi sent some things over. Some of your things from their house. Some of Evan’s texts. Mom and dad are in the kitchen angry-whispering over them now.”

            “What? They can’t-“ he moved to get up, go storming into the kitchen right then, but Zoe put a hand on his arm.

            “Connor, they’re not mad at you or anything. I… don’t think so, anyway. Just, talk to me, please.”

            Zoe was on the verge of tears, pleading with him, and her brokenness shifted something in Connor, so he felt everything inside him crumbling away and spilling out like sand.

            The question hung between them for seconds that crept on like hours.

            “I… he was the only person I think I ever really loved.”

            Zoe nodded, crying now, but quietly. She leaned back on Connor’s head board, her hand still gently resting on his arm. For once, he didn’t mind.

            “He was my first kiss. My first… _everything_. Everything that mattered, anyway.

            “You didn’t-“

            “No! No. But… almost, maybe.”

            The maybe settled between them like the smell of old meat.

            “I… I sort of always thought he had a crush on me.”

            Connor laughed, a reprieve of from the sobs that threatened to overtake him. “He _did_.”

            “What?”

            “Yeah, for a really long time. Something in him always loved you, even when I met him.”

            “But he picked you.”

            “No. He didn’t pick me. He didn’t choose me over you. It just… happened. I guess. And he cared about you, a lot. He’d been in love with you for years. A part of him always would.”

            Zoe smiled, as if imagining every time Evan had stuttered trying to talk to her, had asked her about her favorite music, had helped her with her Chemistry assignments.

            After a while, she finally shook her head. “Well, whatever he felt for me, it was nothing compared to what he had with you.”

            “Zoe-“

            “Everyone could see that he loved you. I just wasn’t sure if it was like… that. Or if you loved him back.”

            “Well, I did. I am capable of that.”

            “I never said you weren’t.

            “… Connor?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Did you ever love me? Even a little bit?”

            Connor froze. Everything he had expected Zoe to say, none of it was said. And everything she had, well. He didn’t know. He never had really known his sister, he supposed.

            “I… I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m not sure. I really don’t know.”

            She nodded, the tears steady down her cheeks, but she didn’t look surprised.

            “But I always cared about you. I always cared that you were okay. Always. Even if… it didn’t seem that way.” Connor choked on his next words and was immediately embarrassed. “You’re my baby sister.”

            His throat caught and he sobbed, the ones he had tried to hold back, but he regained himself quickly. Not before Zoe could wrap her arms around his neck and hold him tightly, thought. And then he was done for.

            She was crying; he felt her tears on his neck, and he was sobbing again.

            It must have been years since they’d willing hugged each other like this, one that was not only wanted but _needed_. For both of them. Zoe was here. Zoe was real. Zoe was crying with him. Zoe wanted to know how he felt. Zoe wanted him to know she was hurting, too.

            Connor had always been amazed – and admittedly envious – of his sister. But he couldn’t ever remember feeling that he needed her. Or that she needed him.

            Was that love?

            He wasn’t sure. But he had needed Evan. And he hoped that Evan had needed him, just a little bit.

            But even if he had, it hadn’t been enough.

            Was love ever enough? Was that really the Holy Grail, the only thing good in life? Was that it?

            He didn’t know. He really probably never would. But right now, with Zoe, he needed this. He wanted it. He wanted to share his feelings with his sister. He wanted to hold her when she was crying. He wanted her to pet his hair like his mom had used to when he’d fall and scrape his knee.

            Even if it wasn’t love, it was enough. In that moment, anyway.

            At one point or another, they disentangled themselves without really realizing, and they were left lying next to each other on Connor’s bed like they were kids again.

            “Please don’t shut me out again. I miss you. A lot. You’re my big brother. It’s my responsibility to thoroughly intimidate anyone you fall in love with. I didn’t get a very good chance this round,” she murmured softly.

            Despite everything, Connor laughed. “I promise. And anyone who falls in love with you, they won’t, because I’ll beat them up.”

            She pushed him playfully, and suddenly her touch was the most familiar thing about him. He wasn’t even tired anymore, and his whole head felt different.

            They stayed next to each other until it was dark through Connor’s window.

            “How much you wanna bet they’re still arguing at the table with no intention of making dinner?” Zoe wagered.

            “I’d never take that bet.”

            “Are you going to tell them? Well, I mean, they already know, now. But are you going to officially come out?”

            “I wasn’t planning on it.”

            “They want to hear it from you. They don’t know what of you is the truth and what isn’t anymore. Give them a break.”

            Connor sighed. “I suppose…”

            “Do you need help? Like, therapy, maybe. Connor?”

            He froze. “Why do you ask?”

            “I think I might. But… I’m a little scared. To go. To ask.”

            “We’ll do it together.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, really.”

            “… Okay.”

            “Okay.”

            “Are you ready?” She sat up.

            “… I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s a little late?”

            “I don’t think it’s ever too late.”

            He thought about it for a moment, rubbed his eyes and yawned. “I suppose you’re right.”

            “Of course I am.”

            She held a hand out for him, and he let her pull him up. But neither of them let go.

            “Are you okay?”

            “As of right now.” He sighed loudly and she laughed. “Let’s get this over with.”

            “Will it ever be over, though?”

            After a moment he shook his head. “No, probably not. But it can get a little better.”

 

* * *

 

 

            “Why are we in the woods? It’s cold, its wet, there’s bugs everywhere. WHY, Connor?!” Zoe shrieked as she wrapped blanket after blanket around her to attend to her chattering. She stared at the side of their tent, which was currently being pelted with rain. Connor was already tucked in his sleeping bag, reading by flashlight.

            “We’re camping,” he answered calming, setting down his book.

            “But WHY?”

            “It’s my graduation present.”

            “I didn’t give this to you.”

            “No, I took you out here, and your present to me is going to be to stop complaining.”

            She had nothing to argue with that.

            “Really, though. I guess you deserve to know. Evan took me camping once.”

            “Last summer?”

            Connor nodded. “Yeah. I hated it, sort of. But I also didn’t because he was there and he was so happy, so I was happy too.”

            “Oh. Well, sorry to spoil your moment, but I am most definitely not happy.”

            “I know, that’s why I told you to stop complaining.”

            She was quiet, remarkably. “I guess I could see why this would have made him happy. Abundance of tress. Utter lack of people. It was his kind of place.”

            Connor laughed brightly, though it hurt in his chest. “Yeah, It was. Sometimes, though… Sometimes I wish I could go back to last summer. I miss it. I miss him. It’s been more than half a year and I still miss him.”

            “Me, too. And unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll ever stop.”

            “Why would we? He was the best memories I had.”

            Zoe studied him curiously. “You know what, I actually love this.” She struggled in her blankets, furiously trying to shuck them off of herself without standing up against the low tent ceiling. Once she was free, she kneeled next to him and held out a hand. “C’mon. Let’s go outside.”

            “Uh, it’s raining.”

            “Do you really give a fuck?”

            “We’ll get everything wet.”

            She rolled her eyes then grabbed his arm, pulling him up. “C’mon.”

            “Zoe-“

            “WE ARE GOING TO RUN AROUND IN THE RAIN, CONNOR MURPHY. DON’T TEST ME.”

            Connor gave up, laughing as she dragged him out of the tent and into the rain. His pajamas got soaked, and once they finally went back inside, everything in there got wet too, including Connor’s book, but he didn’t really care. Because Zoe hadn’t stopped smiling.

            So he fell asleep with a grin and wet hair to match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Devil's Backbone // The Civil Wars  
> Fight to Keep // Run River North  
> AWOLNATION // Not Your Fault  
> The Death of Me // City and Colour  
> He's Not Here // Next to Normal  
> All of Me // Post Modern Jukebox  
> Overboard // I Could Use A Drink  
> Flaws (Live Acoustic Version) // Bastille


End file.
